I knew that I am pregnant when I feel so tired and so hungry since last week. So when I missed my period I did some home test and the result is positive. I did it twice just to make sure the result is reliable. It’s a good news as we plan to have another baby in our happy family. It seems Kirana is mature enough to have a younger sister/brother.

Monday, 8 November

But now I am worried, since I get some blood spot for the last 2 days. Maybe because I was too tired. On friday night, I couldn’t sleep so i decided to clean the house and only back to sleep at 4 in the morning and woke up at 8 AM.

May everything is alright and I can have a healthy pregnancy.

Went to GP today and he said the bleeding might be OK, just the way the baby develop the womb or it’s an early sign of miscarriage. He only said that I should take easy and relax.

Wednesday,10 November 2010

Today, still found blood spots every time I check it after I pee. Gosh, I hope everything is OK. If I have miscarriage,  I hope I will pass it soon.  Miscarriage is a way of our body to deal with unhealthy pregnancy. Hubby comforts me, makes me feel better.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Yesterday we went to GP because I still have blood spot. This morning is kinda getting worse 😦

GP said the blood test is fine and it’s confirmed that I am pregnant and nothing serious. But since I still have blood spot, he asked me to have a check up at Cork University Maternity Hospital tomorrow.

I hope everything is OK.

Dear Baby, don’t you wanna meet with your sister, Kirana? She is amazing girl, she will be great sister….

In the evening I had a very bad bleeding… It broke my tears, I just know that i loose it…

Thursday,18 November

We went to Cork University Maternity Hospital, got the USG… and there’s no more sign of pregnancy in my womb.

They asked us to came on Saturday to compare to hormone level from today and Saturday, if it went down, we really loose it.

Friday, 19 November

Got a letter about the check up appointment for antenatal…. I am afraid i should cancel all the hospital check up 😦

Sunday, 21 November

Got a call from hospital, it’s officially confirmed that we loose the baby. I already knew it from couple day ago, but still it hits me badly. That’s what we called destiny???


A reminder for myself…

It’s a nice article taken from NY Times.  As a parent, I always want to give the best for Kirana but I hope I will remember that  she has her own passion.

Help Them, Teach Them, but Don’t Live Through Them

Published: October 23, 2010

THE woman corners me after I give a speech about college admissions.

“My son isn’t the best student,” she begins, “but we think he has a good chance of getting into. …”

I can guess: Stanford or Duke, Yale or Northwestern. I’m sure I already know the story. The boy has a B-plus average and disappointing SAT scores, but Dad went there, and a family friend used to work in the admissions office.

For seven years, I’ve crisscrossed the country, discussing what I learned while writing two books about teenagers. Help your children find their hidden talents, I advise parents. Teach your children to be independent. Don’t live your dreams through your son or daughter.

As this mother shares her application strategies, I want to recommend that she let her son find his path. I stay quiet, though, because I’m struggling to follow my own advice.

Somewhere in my files, I have a photo of my son, Benjie, and me on the steps of the admissions office of my alma mater, Brown University. We were framed by glowing yellow forsythia, and I was beaming.

Benjie was 2 weeks old.

At the time, I was a fellow at Harvard. Soon after, I did a brief teaching stint at Dartmouth’s Tuck School of Business. I secretly hoped my son would go to one of those Ivy campuses. Maybe I saw that as the seal of approval for my parenting — my boy in Cambridge, Mass., or Hanover, N.H., or Providence, R.I.

Benjie demonstrated, by his nature, that he had other plans. In kindergarten, he was the restless one who preferred exploring to listening to directions. When a private school turned him down for first grade, I felt I’d been gut-punched.

The homework wars erupted in fourth grade — a 20-minute assignment stretched on for three hours, punctuated by cries of “I hate writing!” Later, while I tried to explain long division, he stormed out of the house. He stayed in the yard till dark, digging holes and watching birds.

I pushed enrichment; he refused to try “stupid” scouting. He dropped soccer. Basketball lasted long enough for me to buy a uniform.

Experts analyzed Benjie with standardized tests, and I fretted over his percentiles and hired tutors. At the same time, it seemed most of my friends’ preteens were doing genome research.

Benjie is 14 now. At that age, I pestered teachers for extra-credit assignments. Benjie is satisfied with a C; he doesn’t understand why anyone cares about spelling words correctly; the notion of revising an essay is foreign to him.

At 14, I knew I wanted to be a writer. When I ask Benjie what he sees himself doing in 10 years, he answers vaguely about working with animals. But he most likely won’t be a vet — too much chemistry and biology, he says.

And yet Benjie has so much that I lack. As a teenager, I was a shy, awkward outsider. The other day, walking through Benjie’s school for a meeting, I saw him regaling a group of kids in the hallway with some fascinating tale.

More important, he’s developed empathy. When he and six other students saw a classmate accused of shoplifting on a school trip, Benjie persuaded the others to avoid gossiping.

Last summer, I envisioned Benjie toiling in a lab at science camp, but I lost the will to fight another battle. Instead, I sent him to stay with my brother and sister-in-law, who breed dogs. At their house, work begins at 5:30 a.m., seven days a week. Benjie would have to follow orders without excuses.

Three hundred miles away, I waited for the call begging to come home. Instead, I got one-word texts like “awsomme” — misspelled every time, in true Benjie fashion.

When the visit ended, my sister-in-law sent a note saying that Benjie had pitched in tirelessly with chores and even cleaned the yard after 17 spaniels dirtied it. He groomed dogs for two hours straight without getting antsy.

“Benjie is an amazing kid and human being,” she wrote. “He is smart, funny, curious, caring.”

Twelfth grade is a few years away, but I’m already imagining Benjie’s application essay: “My name is Benjamin but no one calls me that. I’m an animal-loving, cello-playing, cross-country-running nomad who has gone to six school districts in three states because of my dad’s stupid career.”

I spend a lot of time in high-pressure communities, speaking to anxious mothers and fathers like me. We want our children to go to great colleges and prepare for a brutal job market.

Still, I tell families to stop obsessing about campuses with marquee names. I’ve visited dozens of little-known schools where professors are far more engaged in teaching than members of Ivy League faculties. Also, in this economy, I can make a strong case for going to community college, mastering a trade or taking a gap year to earn money.

Above all, I urge parents of high school juniors and seniors not to see their kids as SAT and ACT scores and G.P.A.’s, but as creative, unpredictable, unprogrammable teenagers with their own gifts.

Like my son, Benjie.

David L. Marcus is the author of “Acceptance: A Legendary Guidance Counselor Helps Seven Kids Find the Right Colleges — and Find Themselves” (Penguin Press).

when kirana is sick

Since last weekend Kirana is sick, she gets chickenpox. She should stay at home, so I take a week off to take care of her.  I never know it will be a frustrating and tiring experience on the first couple days. I remember I get chickenpox when I was in high school and I thought I was not that bad.

On Saturday, 6 February, we take her to the park and met with Ima, Affan and Aziz to play together. She enjoys the slide and the see saw.

On Sunday night, I found some “acne” on her back and ask Chris if it’s a chickenpox. Since there’s no announcement on the crèche about the chickenpox so we were not really worried about chickenpox. On Monday morning we found more “acne” so at that time we are sure that Kirana get chickenpox. Chris decide to stay at home and I went to the office since I have some project should be done on that day. After a long working hour finally I can go home and we get the confirmation from our GP that Kirana has chickenpox.

On the next days I stay at home and it’s just like hell. Kirana is so sick, cranky and her temperature is 40 degrees. She can’t speak so what she can do is only crying and the medicine seems can’t lower her temperature. I hardly can drink or eat, don’t ask me about take a shower, because Kirana want me to carry her all the time.

For an inexperienced mom like me it’s so frustrating and tiring. It’s a mixed feeling because I feel so sorry for her, so sorry to see her little body is so weak and frustrating because I don’t know what should I do to comfort her and also tired to keep carry her all the time. Taking a bath is the only thing that she enjoys at this time.

When Chris at home it’s a relief because I can ask him to carry kirana for a while and I have time to take some rest. But it won’t take a long time because Kirana wanna be with me again.

Breastfeeding is really the wonderful thing that helps me to cope with the situation. I am lucky that I still can breastfeed kirana. Because she refuses to either eat and drink, breastfeeding is the only source for food. I am so worried if she’s dehydrated because nothing going to her mouth. But I guess she has enough milk from breastfeeding.

After 4 days, her fever is gone and she’s back to normal.

I can’t imagine that I can be strong enough if something worse happen to Kirana. I hope this chickenpox is the only serious illness that happened to Kirana.

a career woman is a worse mom?

I read some comment on my friend’s FB status that said “good mom”  and the next comment “… sometime as a career woman, they ask the nanny to do everything for the baby ..” it’s a fee translation from Bahasa. I really wanna laugh because of that comment. I don’t know the guy who gives the comments so no offence and maybe I am just missed interpretation of what he really means. Why I wanna laugh, it’s because the label that he gave to a career woman (well, career woman mostly refer to woman who’s working instead of stay at home), that a career woman will ask the nanny to take care the baby (just like feeding, taking a bath, changing the nappy etc). Does it mean that career woman is worse than a full time mother? Are you a better mom if you always take care a baby by yourself instead of the other who can get help from a nanny? Did he watch 24 hours 7 days a week what did the career woman do so he has statement that sound like a career woman is a worse mother. I know in Indonesia most of the couple will have nanny to take care the baby and a maid to take care the house. So what??? I would love to have that if I can afford that luxury. Having the nanny to help you doesn’t mean you didn’t care with the baby. Everybody has their own reason to do what they do and don’t, don’t judge others! It just the same likes the statement that a mother who breastfeed the baby is better than the they who didn’t.. Or mother giving birth by caesarean section is worse than they who giving birth naturally. Every mother has their own journey in raising her child.

I know i choose to work at the office because so many reasons, it’s because i love to work and express my self and also because of the money that i can get. does it means i didn’t love Kirana that much? I love her with my all my heart and soul and i know that Kirana has a good time at the day care. She likes her friends and enjoys all the activities. i think she really has a good experience in socializing and expressing herself. She still enjoys our companion.

We don’t mind to take days off when we need to, just like when she’s sick… We’re lucky that it’s so flexible to get the day off…

Am i a worse Mom because i am working? i guess only kirana can answer it…

it’s been 1 year…

kirana bdaymy our little baby is one year old last week… time really flies. i know i’m not a perfect mother, far away from the perfect one. my colleagues know that sometime i’m bitching about i didn’t have “me” time anymore. i’ m kind of straight forward person, so you get what you see…

but i can say it’s a rewarding 1 year…

i still remember in her early days, i keep checking her while she’s sleeping to make sure she’s breathing… or just admire her curly  eye lashes,not just like mine 😛

honestly i still didn’t believe that i have a daughter, especially Kirana is so lovely… God, what did i do so i deserve to have her? she is an amazing joy and bless in our little family.

long long time ago, i keep on thinking and praying that if i have a child the child should be a super child, she should be smart, talented in music, has good sense of humor, good in art.. .if she can fly to the moon, will be better…

but now i just realize it doesn’t matter anymore… i just wanna Kirana be a happy and healthy child with the way she is…

i won’t worry if she can’t walk yet when other kids already walk on her age…  i won’t compare her with any other kids, she’s special… no child is the same!

i just hope i could be a better Mom for her, the best Mom for her… i won’t push my dreams to her, O God, please give me wisdom so i won’t create a mini me but she can be herself.

i won’t let her alone to find her way, i will introduce her with the value  that i believe, the music that i love and i know, the books that i adore and i read, all the small things in my world, but i will let her explore the beauty of this world and its reality…

just one little pray for my little angel: let your life be glorify Thy name.amen

ps. thank you for an amazing days with your smiles,cries,laughs, joys and all the small things you bring to our lives

I just get a sweet little note from Chris’s friend after i baked some muffins for Chris’s project at the office. So sweet and so thoughtful…

It’s another reason why i love to bake… (to know that  it tastes good and everybody’s happy :P)

is it gambling or not…

I was in the mood of raising the money to help my friend’s baby. After failing to get help from the organization that I know, I asked Chris if he could help me with fund raising at his office. So Chris asked the HR at his office and they said that they would support us as long as we are the event organizer and can find the registered charity foundation that will distribute the money to the baby.

At my office, every department should make a fund raising for the charity foundation of the year. Usually we will do the raffle, so I was thinking to have a raffle for the fund rising. Then I came across to the thought of gambling is a sin and raffle is identical with gambling in Indonesia. Raffle for charity is very common in Ireland and most of people are aware of that. Most of the people will pay about 2 Euro for the ticket with a thought “it’s a good cause and if I’m win some prize then I was lucky”. The main price usually is a shopping voucher or hotel voucher with a value of about 200 Euro. So on my opinion it’s not gambling, because you didn’t give all your money or a big sum of money and expecting to get millions back.

The definition gambling in wikipedia is:

Gambling is the wagering of money or something of material value on an event with an uncertain outcome with the primary intent of winning additional money and/or material goods.

So what is your opinion???

Anyway I try to find another way… still in the mood of fund raising 😀